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A friend sent me the link for this bag today with the subject "thought of you." Which is a very big complement. Thank you a million times over. I would love to apprentice in Kapital's workshop for a day or two.
So today is the big day...the day I have been mulling over in my head for months - perhaps years would be more accurate. It may have even been a lifetime. Today is the day I begin to stitch together the fabric for a the Victorian Parlor chair which has been sitting in my garage, ever so patiently, waiting for me to get my confidence together to tackle the project. I know this will be a long process. I am resigned to the fact that for a stretch of time I will hate my work. I will feel incredibly uncomfortable and I will want to quit. I am also resigned to the fact that I will keep sewing. And eventually, I will reach the point where I look down and smile and know I have created something good. It always works like that. The same predictable evolution. The difficult part is remembering that I have been there before. Remembering that the discomfort is a natural part of my creative process. And after getting a bolster of confidence from the Kapital tote above, I have to say, I am quite excited to begin the journey again.
A small peek into my mind/work space. As you can see, it is a little cluttered today. I spent the day digging through fabric, dying some, cutting more, making piles all over the sitting room. I am preparing to cover a beautiful, old, Victorian parlor chair. It will be my first cover with my own fabric - hand dyed, hand stitched in my own rustic industrial fiber art design. A tad intimidating. Hence...the work space and clutter in the brain. All will be well. Just have to push on. Tomorrow is a new day. Bright and new. And clean. xoxo
April 22, 1922 – March 30, 1993
Still Life with Letter, 1961
January 11, 1936 – May 29, 1970
Every so often I forget why I am doing what I do. I get caught up in the end result. Or I get caught up in the fact that I am not "there" yet. Wherever that is. I also get lost in the fear that people may not like what I am doing - or I tailor a piece to what I think people will like. Then I am just that. I am lost. And I need to find my way back to the roots of what I do. And I need to ask myself the very first question again. Why? Why am i doing this? Is it to make money? Yes...but no. Is it because I don't know what else to do with myself? In a way, yes. But more than any other reason, it is because I have to. I am miserable without it. Cranky and unfulfilled. When I look at the photo of Eva above, I see the place I want to be. I see the peace in her that comes from doing what you are here to do. When you just are. And you move through it without hindrance. This morning I woke up feeling sick, achy and worn down. I came into the sitting room and gazed at my recent work overflowing from the back of my sewing chair onto the floor, and thought just that question...Why? More thoughts flowed in. What is that? Why did I make that? Do I even like it? What am I doing? Back to the first question. Why? Why I am not looking for another job? Why am I not still working in a lab at some biotech company? Why am I not still teaching? Why do I need to pursue this? It always comes back to that. So I made a cup of tea and sat on our wonderful old couch and started pouring through books on two of my favorite artists. Richard Diebenkorn and Eva Hesse. And I remember. I remember being a little girl standing in front of paintings by Diebenkorn and Francis Bacon and feeling at home. Feeling like I had found my place. And I am soothed. I look at the lines in Diebenkorn's work and see the inspiration for the rustic industrial patterns I am driven to sew. I look at Eva's work and see the beauty in the rough edges. And I see that it is all good. That no matter where it takes me it is good. And I cry. And I am happy. Still sick, but happy. xoxo