Yesterday was my youngest's 10th birthday. And I love him so much my heart aches. Looking at him now, all big and big and bigger, I see how quickly time passes.
Before I had my daughter, I had a career. One I loved. One I was so good at, it was like I was born to do it. But once she was born, I wanted to stay home more. I wanted to work part-time. But my career was not set up like that, so I hired an amazing nanny and all in all, I was MOSTLY happy with the set up. Then came Rowan. And I couldn't do it. I couldn't miss out anymore. So I quit. I quit my job, left my career. Let it all go to embark on the wild adventures of stay at home motherhood. Which for years was fantastic. Those first years were the cake years.
I used to make cakes. Birthday cakes. Big ones. There was a castle sitting on a hill, both carved entirely out of cake, a beautiful heart shaped cake covered with roses from the garden, a fireman cake decorated with bright orange and red flames, a construction site cake complete with a little wooded bulldozer and a steam shovel moving around a mound of "dirt" made from icing and coco powder. None of them tasted very good because really, I am not a baker. But they were fantastic. And then, things changed.
At some point, all those wonderful things I used to do for and with my children began to feel like chores. Giving all my time and energy to two little people began to take its toll. I was drained. I was cranky more often than not. And I began to hate baking cakes. I continued to do it because I felt like I had to, but I just pushed though the process putting more resentment and irritation into those cakes than love. And what I realize now, looking back, is that I needed a career again.
Which leads to my business now. Again, I have a job I love. At the end of the day when I think about it, I am satisfied and I can curl up and fall asleep happy and content. However, it also takes so much time and so much energy. And in the background my children are growing up and turning 10. And I am missing it. Again. And again, there is a part of me that wants to stay home and watch my children grow.
Yesterday I took the day off and baked a birthday cake. I made it with love. And it was amazing. I was one hundred percent content. I didn't feel like I was sacrificing my time. I felt like I used to in the beginning when the kids were little. I felt like baking that cake was a privilege.
So the million dollar question is, what happens now? I am not giving up on my career again. I don't need to. My children are older. More self-sufficient. However, perhaps I will step back more often and watch my kids. Be with them without thinking about the orders that need to be in the mail. Take afternoons off to go to the park again like we did when they were little. Eat ice cream together. Just be with them and witness their lives. And the job, perhaps I will learn to be satisfied with the small amounts I can do in between being a mum. Perhaps I will learn to be happy with my little company and not feel resentment that I don't have to time to grow it bigger. And the birthday cakes, well, those are definitely back on the schedule!